A new life

This year a new life is about to start, and it will require my full attention. Thank you all for reading my posts. I hope that you will miss me! :-)

 

The top of the hill

Oh, it feels good!

I had totally forgotten how nice it could feel… As my hips are moving back and forth, my body is like awakening to the rhythm of it. I find this pace that is moving me forward and upwards, bringing me closer to the top of the hill. I can feel the sweat on my skin and my breath is getting deeper and heavier as I move on, and I find pleasure and happiness in all of it! Right there and then it’s unbelievable that I’ve been in no mood for this for so long! There’s always been a project at work giving med stress and headache and when I finally did find some time off, my preference would always be relaxing in the sofa with a book all by myself instead of getting myself all sweat and dirty. But now I’m finally back! My first time with outdoor running for weeks and months! I remembered I used to do this a lot last year. I also remember that I used to have a lot of sex… Things seem to be going in the right direction now!

Remember me?

Hi there, remember me?

I’m amazed that there’s still some traffic on my blog, although I’ve taken a break for six months. I can see from my latest posts that I was a bit disillusioned. There’s been half a year with simply too much work. So to avoid “hitting the wall” or getting “burned out”, I had to do some prioritizing. To be honest I really hate the ways we make phenomena caused by our lifestyle and stressful society into a diagnosis.  It’s like a new trend, you know. It’s like if you haven’t been burned out during your career, you haven’t worked hard enough. So just to be straight, it was far from that serious.

It was just more like writing these posts every other week or so, it started feeling like a duty, like a task to be done in the same way as unanswered e-mails, dishes at the kitchen sink, mowing the lawn or doing the laundry. It’s all those things that should be done during a day or a week or a month.

So then there’s the art of prioritizing: What must be done? Very little in fact, if you think about it: Going to work, eat and get enough sleep. Bonus for every time you manage to show up at the gym as well. This is also the time when you decide that your boss and your colleagues should appreciate you for your competence and for the job you actually do, instead of your clothes and how you look.

But this is also a time when you might feel a bit vulnerable deep inside. And this is a time when you don’t think about sex, or feel very sexy, or have much sex for that matter. But I suddenly remembered that originally when I started this, writing these posts used to make me feel sexy and attractive. So why not give it a try? After all, that’s why you’re here – to make me feel good and sexy and attractive, isn’t it?

My bad

When I started writing this blog, I had a purpose. My intention was to show the world that although being a dominant woman with a bdsm as an important part of my sexuality, I was still a quite ordinary human being. Now, more than a year later, I realised that I failed.

I never wanted to be like the pornographic dominas, or like those bitchy women claiming to be superior to everyone just because they labelled themselves “dominant”. I wanted to tell the world that although being a dominant woman, I still have my moments of weakness. I have my worries at work. Some mornings have to go to the office although I’d rather stayed in bed. There are stupid things that I have said & done, that I shouldn’t have said & done. And there are things that I didn’t say or do, that I maybe should have. Sometimes bad things happens that I can’t help, but have to cope with. And there are things I would like to happen, but it’s not in my power to make it so. Life is like this for everyone!

I didn’t seek to look down on anyone. But Internet in general is so persistant to look up on every woman calling themselves “dominant”.

In this blog, I wanted to share my experiences. I wanted to be open. Instead it created distance. Even though I don’t upload photos of myself, it’s still me displayed in some kind of virtual vitrine and it’s you on the outside, gazing at me, with envy and awe.

So where did it go wrong? Where did I make the mistake? Or is it so that this was inevitable? Did I just trick myself into thinking that I could change the world? Wake up, woman! What would Internet been today if it wasn’t for the porn industry? Honestly! Were you really so stupid that you thought you could win this battle?

Desillusions

Once you call yourself «Domina», people tend to think they know everything about you. When they ask questions like «what do you usually do to your slaves?», that’s always an invitation to elaborate on all the details of my kinky, pervert experiences of my sexual life. My private life, to be specific. When I point out that those details are actually private information, the question repeats itself in a more general manner: «But what do you like to do?» Hey, that is still private! Now go away and stop digging! Find someone else to amuse you!

It’s unbelievable how difficult it is for you people out there to understand that sometimes the «Domina» is not in mood. Sometimes the «Domina» doesn’t even want to be a «Domina». Sometimes it’s enough to be an ordinary woman. I am a wife, a business woman, a daughter, a friend. I have a life for God’s sake! That means you don’t have to pity me just because I’m in no mood for acting out my dominant/sadistic sides. I have it the same way with chocolate, in fact. Sometimes I can yearn for it on daily basis, and then it can be weeks and months where I’m not even aware that chocolate exists!

Sometimes the only thing I want is to sleep. Alone! Or lock myself in a quiet room to read a book and listen to music. Or spend some time at the gym together with my iPod or, preferably, with my friends. Sometimes it’s better to sweat outside the bedroom. But when I explain this to you, you don’t seem to understand or you lose interest. Because this was not what you expected from someone labelled «Domina».

But anyway, I’m not to be forced into boxes where I don’t fit. In that way I will always be a dominant, and have always been. I don’t care what you expect of me! I can’t remember that I’ve signed any obligation to be a Dominant 24/7. So, could I kindly ask you all to just fuck off for a while. The time I don’t spend at work now, I want to take care of my husband and my family, cuddle the cat, be with my friends and prepare Christmas. In the meanwhile you could do some reflections on this question: Am I here to entertain you, or are you here to entertain me?

How I met my husband

I’ve known my husband for more than six years now. We met in September 2004. Or actually, we met on internet during Summer time. We talked about everything, including BDSM, relationships and our dreams & plans for the future. He was a student in IT, so he helped me setting up my new webpage (it doesn’t exist any more), and as a thanks I invited him to my place for dinner and also sleep over, so we could continue the conversation all night. It seemed like we had so much to talk about!

I went to pick him up at the train station. He arrived wearing cool sun glasses and leather jacket. And we had just as much to talk about as it had seemed on internet. We met every weekend after that, taking turns in the travelling. I’ve never spent so much time on trains as I did that period.

I think it wasn’t before December that it occured that I had to go somewhere else for the weekend. I was still going by train. But not to his city.

But I got a text from him: “Where are you?”

I replied: “About one hour out from Oslo”

He sent: “You have to step out on the platform on the second station from now on”

And I didn’t get any more explanations than that. I wondered if there was something wrong. It was already dark outside, but the snow made the landscape seem brighter still, like a Christmas Card.

We arrived at the station and I stepped out on the platform as I was instructed to. (Yes, dominant men like to play these kinds of games, I think). And there he was! He was wearing a red cap, that was the first think I saw. And then I saw that there was a heart in the snow and candlelight! He handed me a bag with chocolate and some snacks, gave me a kiss, and then I had to enter the train again. Slowly the train left the station behind. I was inside the train, peering out the window, waving, kissing the glass, as the train picked up speed and left him alone on the platform with the heart and the candle light in the falling snow.

Later I learnt that he had borrowed his mother’s car for this project, driving one and a half hour in the snow just to meet me for two minutes! Her comment had been something like: “You’re really in love with this one, aren’t you?” And he had replied: “Yes, Mum, I am”

It’s almost six years ago. And I am still in love!

Cleaning in the closet

I’ve been living in my suitcase for the last two weeks. I thought I was busy back in June/July when I fainted in the kitchen. But now I’ve managed having meetings in two cities and travelling through three time zones in one single day. I found the key to efficency by time travelling. I started the day in Eastern Europe, which is one hour ahead of Central European Time, and I ended the day in London, one hour past CET. Thus I got two extra hour that day!! So when you’re busy, Go West!

I’ll tell you more about my trip to London later. Bought some really nice clothes there…

In between all this work & travelling, I was cleaning in the closet… or my HD. I found some old photos from my former web-page. I’ve always been a bit shy about putting photos of myself on internet, but I don’t mind showing you my bed.

I’ll be back, baby

Hi there, all you internet people out there! I haven’t forgotten you, I’m just a bit busy. Right now my head is stuffed with technical & commercial requirements, pricing models, implementation plans and legal stuff, and I’m just this plain, boring business woman.

No, don’t pity me, there’s no need to. Because I love my job. And the reason why I can’t give you internet people the attention you seek from me, is because I’m just too busy attending meetings and business lunches. The capital of Denmark has recently been a place more for business than for pleasure. But of course, in a way it is a pleasure meeting all these handsome men in suit & tie who wants to offer me their services, (but unfortunatly not their bodies. But one can always dream).

These days the males closest to my body are Ralph Lauren and Hugo Boss. I still haven’t found any other men matching my body just as perfectly. Men are a bit like handbags… it’s important that you find one who matches your outfits and your shoes!

So, don’t you dare forgetting me while I’m busy working. I will be back soon enough, after I’ve finalized this contract I’m working on. Then there might be possible for my brain to let in a kinky thought or two.

What keeps us together

I simply feel more turned on by knowing that I can have my pleasure anytime I want, while he can’t. For some reason that’s a wonderful feeling!  (Read: How to serve me)

I like the feeling of an invisible chain between me and my slave. No matter where he is in the world, near or far from me, he will feel this chain every time he gets a hard-on or even thinks about sex. And I sometimes send him a message to point out that I’ve just had the most pleasant and satisfying morning! Of course I don’t mean to be cruel, I just want him to know that I have a good time, although he’s not here to share it with me.

Of course I play this game with my Danish slave while he’s away from me. The rules of our game have varied  a bit from when we started it some weeks before Christmas last year. First he was allowed an orgasm every weekend, then we agreed that every other weekend would be sufficient. I couldn’t check that he kept his word, and I still can’t. But I trusted him already before we met. I wouldn’t have gone to Copenhagen for a date if I didn’t think it really was something. But then again, when it’s as good as this, distance doesn’t matter any more.

After we met we changed it so that he now has to ask me every time he wants an orgasm. I usually get the request in an e-mail to my cellphone or by text. Sometimes he gets it, sometimes he doesn’t, it depends on my mood at the time and on how long it has been since last time he was allowed to cum. I think he’s realized that his chances improves if he sends me photos. To see him always puts me in a good mood. That’s why I also have his photo on my Computer Desktop, to cheer me up while I’m working from my office at home.

When we meet again he is also going to pay for every single orgasm he’s had since the end of June. He will pay with his body, he’ll get one stroke for each day between the time of his orgasm and the day in October when we’ll meet again. This means that the early orgasms will cost him more than those later on. But in a way I think that’s fair.

Right now he owes me about 330 strokes and he will get about 80 of them with a riding crop over his fingers. That was the brilliant idea of one of my girlfriends, and I look forward to watch his reactions on this treatment. I will have him on his knees on the floor with his hands stretched out. I’ll look him in the eyes all the time and I will see the pain on his face, and every time I think about it I get a bit turned on!

Investments

In fact I prefer real estate before men. Real estate is so simple, you know where you have it, you know what it’s worth and it will provide a steady income. And that’s more than I can say about most men!

All these men who offers themselves to me, I don’t have time to check them all out. Just as I don’t have time to look at every single flat for sale in Oslo. But then again, real estate doesn’t get insulted if I decline because I didn’t like the photos on their website advertisement or because I find it too cheap and tacky. So a few weeks ago I started dating real estate instead of men, and finally I found a nice object for investment.

Maybe it’s a bit cynical comparing relations with business, but in fact there are a lot of similarities. Because you could of course talk about emotional investment, which is what I’m looking for. It goes without saying that no one is interested in spending time and energy on people who just wants free joyride because they’re too miserable or insecure or immature to get what they want. Maybe that’s why I get ticked off every time my dates starts whining about that they want to be my slave, but they don’t want to be seen in public with me. Or they’re worried about my attraction to blood and knives. Or they don’t want my fingers down their throat. That’s like trying to sell a flat by pointing out all the faults, that the neighbors are loud, that it smells sewer from the drains in summertime and that the floors are cold in the wintertime. Of course it’s  nice to be honest, but just don’t be surprised when I don’t want to go along with it.

That’s why I rather wait two more months for some Danish quality (see references above) than  spending time and energy on something or someone who doesn’t increase my emotional capital. Or like last Friday when I met a new friend after work to have an excellent dinner before we moved on to have a drink outside in the sun before we moved on to the top of Oslo Plaza Hotel to have even more drinks (for him) and a cup of tea (for me) before I took the midnight train back home. We had great fun and talked a lot, and this post is written with the inspiration I got from him. This is what I mean when I talk about increasing emotional capital. It’s simply about having fun, laughing and enjoying good company.

But not to forget, my main investment on the emotional level is my husband. All the energy, worries and frustrations that have been during the years of our marriage,  it now yields a good return, many times more than the costs! Now we’re also business partners as we’ve bought a new flat in addition to our house, so we can actually now call ourselves “Landlord” and “Landlady”.  And as long as we build up more capital this way, we don’t see any reason why we should stop here. I think the same way about men – why stop with just one? But that of course doesn’t mean that I’m willing to invest in just anything.