I need a recharge

Sometimes you’re hungry, sometimes you’re not.

Sometimes you eat Chinese food, sometimes you want burgers.

Sometimes you’ll eat anything and sometimes you don’t have any appetite at all.

It’s the same thing about sex and everything else in life. Sometimes I’m happy, sometimes I’m sad. Sometimes life is easy, sometimes it hard. Sometimes I feel like I’m on the top of the world. Sometimes I feel like a real loser! That’s life. Meet me on a good day, and I’ll be your goddess. Meet me on a bad day, and I’ll be just another bitch.

My mood and attitude may change from one situation to the next, from time to time, from day to day. And there are good periods and bad periods. And I think that this is something that happens in everybody’s lives.

Right now I’m facing a bad period. Reluctantly I swallow pills twice a day, knowing they make me tired and nauseated and I lose my appetite. I feel vulnerable and weak. I cry a lot. I have to remind myself that although it makes me feel bad, it’s good for something. And that it will be better! I just don’t know when yet.  I’ve known for a while that this period would come, I didn’t visit the hospital last December just for fun. Still I reached Christmas-Holiday with a feeling of satisfaction, fulfillment and success. I still live on the memories from Christmas-time, reminding myself that my life will be like that again when this is over.

It goes without saying that sex and bdsm is secondary in this situation.This is a period where I need to focus on work, training and my current relations.  The little kinky energy I have, I choose to share it with people that I already know and care for. It takes more than a few e-mails to get there, and I don’t expect you to have the kind of patience that I require. Just wait for me until I return. Until then, browse my archives and follow my tweets.

I’ll see you around!

Early morning inner dialogue

Alone in the kitchen an early morning at 5:45 am:

- Good morning, Fatality!

- Good morning, I guess.

- Something wrong? Tired?

- Just a bad day, I suppose. I feel like killing something. Good thing that my husband’s still asleep.

- Ow, that sounds bad. Sit down and have a Nespresso, I’m sure that will help on your mood.

- Yeah, coffee’s good. Still want to kill someone, though.

- Ok, you’re not usually like this, what’s wrong?

- Good question. I don’t know. It’s 25 below zero outside and I still have this cold… I want to go back to bed, and still I know that staying at home for a whole day will bore me to death.

- I see, but isn’t there any real problems… like some crisis at work? Bills to be paid? Someone died? Health problems?

- Nope, nothing as serious as that. Hey, do you try to make me feel guilty for being in a bad mood with no reason?

- Well, does it help?

- No, not really. But since it doesn’t seem to be anything wrong, then I suppose I’ll feel better if I go to work and find some real problems to worry about?

- That’s the attitude. Put on some make-up and nice clothes, and then you’ll feel a lot better. Everyone’s allowed having a bad day.

- Thanks. I don’t plan to make this a habit, anyway. But I need a hug. You do love me, don’t you?

- Of course I do. And I’m not the only one, you know. Just look at your husband, your family and friends. And I’m sure the people at work appreciate you too. Probably you’re not able to count all the people that care for you! Remember last fall when you were traveling around the country, all the messages on Facebook from friends waiting for you to come home and have a coffee!

- Oh yes, that’s really great. I suppose I’m lucky that they’re putting up with me.

- Yes you are. But I don’t think that they would if you didn’t deserve it.

- Ok, put on clothes and make-up then.

- Right!

- Oh, do you think I look fat, by the way?

- Wrong question, do you think that your husband thinks you look fat?

- No!

- Then you’re not!

Afterward I went outside and stepping on the snow and the ice I fell down the stairs where I landed on my back. Luckily nothing but my pride was hurt. I left my house at 6:30 am, and I returned at 9:30 pm. Then I discovered that my husband had cleaned the kitchen and prepared supper, and I got a big hug and a kiss as soon as I opened the door. The reason why I share this with you, is to remind you all we’re also supposed to live through the bad days.

It’s not supposed to be easy

Of course I love compliments. Of course I love attention. But I’m a woman, and then it’s not so easy. Yes, I admit that we’re complicated creatures. And this is the one thing that makes it complicated: I want you to like me for the right reasons!

If you show that you’re attracted to me, and I happen to like you, then everything is perfect and uncomplicated. If I don’t like you, the same behavior is what we call “unwanted attention”, which is basically just another word (a more polite one) for “sexual harassment”. Yes, I totally understand that you guys are confused by this, because if we girls to the same thing to you, we’re either “hot” or “cheap”. You men don’t get sexually harassed, as you never say “no” when sex is offered, whether it’s the hot stuff or just the cheap version. Which again leads to this conclusion in my head: Men are always cheap!

Which is a good thing!

Men make themselves available.

Women do the selection.

Yes, this is the old fashioned way. And this is how I still think the game should be played. Don’t break this pattern. Or else you’ll make us women seriously confused!

It’s not as kinky as you think!

I think most people have secret. It could be as innocent as cheating on your wife or husband in your fantasy. Or it could be something dark and dangerous. And of course, sometimes it can be such a burden that it makes you mentally ill. But for most of us, I think these small secrets are rather innocent and make our lives more interesting and exciting.

I think it’s important to remember that one person’s kink can be another person’s perversion. I use this blog to write about things that turn me on, but I don’t expect you to feel the same about it as I do. I also feel it’s important to stress the fact that I don’t have an urge to act out every fantasy or idea that crosses my mind! (If I start getting psychosis like that, please alert my doctor and the police!)

But back to topic. Wikipedia explains that “sexual fetishism” is sexual attraction to objects or body parts not conventionally viewed as being sexual in nature. All people have something that turns them on, but if it’s as common as a naked body or sexy lingerie, we hardly call it a fetish.

So go on, make a search on Google, search for whatever you like; bdsm, bondage, humiliation, cross-dressing, anal sex, wet sex, scat, blood, medical play, enema, fisting, you name it. Look at the results, look at the number! So you thought you were the only kinky person in this world? Think again! I hate to spoil your fun, but my impression here is that kinky sex is not a taboo anymore!

What this is really about

This is about sex!

This is about attraction, pleasure and satisfaction. And this game can be played in many ways. I want to tell you about it. But first, please forget about the letters B, D, S & M for a while and everything they describe. Forget about dominance, humiliation and domestic discipline. Forget about lifestyle concepts like TPE and 24/7. Forget about all the clichés, they don’t serve my purpose here.  Because, the truth is that none of these things turn me on!

Actually this is about you: Are you interesting? Are you sexy? Can I have fun with you? Are you able to turn me on?

If there’s a check on all these questions, I’ll be open to suggestions. It could be anything, even something perverted and kinky as vanilla sex… I’ve had bad kinky sex and good vanilla sex.

So what can you offer me?

Bondage and pain seem to be the easiest way to get me in the mood for sex. Trying out the ropes into a perfect bondage, serves as foreplay in itself. Each body is different, so there will be a lot of touching, stretching and bending. When the bondage is ready, I’m usually ready myself, especially if I get the right feed-back or rather any feed-back at all. Being passive is never sexy. At least give me a sigh or a low moan.

Or would you take me out for dinner, make conversation, stimulate my brain? If you wear a suit, I’ll go for a black dress, stockings and high heels. Would you be the self-confident gentleman all women dream about? We both know what I will do to you when we get back to that hotel-room. Can you still keep your cool?

Or maybe I won’t tie you up at all, because I want to feel your hands on my body, let me enjoy being served. Or maybe it’s just my own imagination, maybe you just enjoy making a woman happy like this, maybe it even makes you feel in control… what a big contradiction! But if I enjoy it, why should I care?

Where does the kinky part end, where does the so called vanilla thing start? I don’t want to waste my energy on useless analyses, just let me enjoy it!

Happy Holiday

I feel attractive these days. Some part of it has to do with my career. New possibilities seem to offer themselves to me, although I’ve never really searched for them, I’ve just shown a slight interest. It seems to be much the same thing with men. Of course I know I’m not God’s gift to every man on this planet. If I were, that would have freaked me out to be honest. But I’m grateful to know that there exist quite a few handsome, sexy, attractive men out there in different variations.

Last year I spent searching the market. Next year I hope for more action and less searching. But I’ll always be open for new possibilities, as long as they’re attractive. If good things come my way, be sure that I always find a way to exploit them!

Some reflections about medical play & hospital realities

Did you ever play doctor when you were a child? You know although we’ve grown up, some of us are still fascinated by medical play. Maybe it’s something about the forced intimacy when you have to get undressed in order to have an examination. It’s an unfamiliar setting; it can be frightening or humiliating. Sometimes it’s even painful.  Were these the aspects that used to attract us when we were kids playing doctors? Is this why some of us still find medical play exciting?

I can assure you that there was no excitement about my last visit at the hospital to get an examination of my oviducts. During this examination the oviducts are filled with liquid and then an X-ray photo is taken where the liquid will be visible. This is both humiliating and painful, and I was reminded once again that this is not my thing! It’s impossible to have any pride or even the slightest feeling of being in control lying on your back on an examination-table like this. I had a strange feeling that this was a 20 minutes visit to the holocaust.

When the liquid went into my oviducts, there was an unbearable pain. Some of my male friends that I do Martial Arts with have explained to me what a kick in the balls feels like. They say it’s a kind of pain that makes the whole body go numb, and then there’s nausea or a feeling like you want to throw up. Since I don’t have balls, I don’t know if this is a right description of the kind of pain that men sometimes experience, but this was exactly the feeling I had on top of that examination table. And after all we’re talking about similar organs.

At first I couldn’t breathe, I was just gasping at the top of my lungs. Drawing breath was terrible painful. And it wasn’t less painful to breathe out, and I let the breath out in a long moan. Oh my God, it sounds like this turns me on! I was sure that the pain was visible on my face. And I got the surrealistic thought that maybe my husband had been horny if he had been watching me…

As for me, I’ve never been so far away from any sexual emotion what so ever! The only good thing I can remember during these 20-30 minutes of horror was the delightful feeling when the pain stopped! But if there is anyone out there getting turned on by this story, please feel free to enjoy yourselves. Then my pain hasn’t been totally in vain.

Review: “LAYA spot” from Fun Factory

I like to introduce you to my best sex-toy this far. And his name is… Just kidding, I’m a discreet woman. I’m talking about toys in plastic.

Some years ago I discovered Fun Factory. They make dildos, vibrators and lot of other sex-toys. The difference is the design. They are designed in such a way that you feel proud (and not shameful) to have them and use them. Although it can be stimulating to play with emotions like shame and humiliation, sex shouldn’t be something to be ashamed of. Fun Factory seems to understand this. The toys are a bit expensive, but you should know that although they’re cute, they also do the job!

My favorite so far is LAYAspot. It’s amazing! Here’s the proof that size isn’t necessarily the matter at all! Usually I like stimulation both inside and outside at the same time, but this one can easily manage an orgasm with just outside stimulation. It has a well-adjusted vibrator, tense but not too much! The vibrator can change the speed of course, but the best part is that it can also change the rhythm so it gives a pulsating stimulation. I was so happy when I discovered this!

So guys, this is what you compete with when it comes to using your fingers or your tongue. Now that I’ve first enjoyed this kind of stimulation, I know what I want, and the standard is set. Unfortunately LAYAspot can’t give a complete satisfying fuck, nor can it moan, scream, kiss me or touch the rest of my body in a passionate way. So I suppose I still have some use for you.

Let’s schedule a fuck

I usually love my job, reaching my goals gives me almost the same satisfaction as sex. No wonder I’m on the borderline to workaholic. So when my calendar is almost entirely booked up, and I’m forced to focus 100 % on what I’m doing right now because there will be other things to do later, whether it’s work, training at the gym or social life, that’s when I feel alive and happy. Then I don’t discover that the kitchen is messy, my husband is grumpy or that my co-workers have a grudge.  Sometimes I think I’ve found the key to happiness by being busy.

Now I’ve nearly finished all my tasks at work before Christmas, and there’s finally some time to relax. And honestly, I can’t say that I don’t enjoy it! It also gives me some time to reflect, and register the differences in my personality when I’m in modus for work and how I am when I’m relaxed and lazy or even a bit bored.

I think that one of the greatest differences is my sexual energy.  When I’m busy I tend to be craving, I want a release, and I want it as quick as possible, so that I can get focused again and go working or training. I want to be in charge, I want to be in control, I need it to be predictable so that it fits into my timetable. It’s not very romantic, it’s not very passionate. I don’t even know if it’s the truth, since motives like this isn’t entirely conscious. But I don’t deny that my feelings have been something like this during the last months, while my workload was at the maximum. Those days, all I wanted was to schedule a fuck between the meeting downtown and my flight out to the meeting next morning. My husband thinks I’m a bit shallow or cynical. I prefer cynical, since I actually reflect on my behavior. And I find nothing wrong with it as long I’m honest about it.

The itch that can’t be scratched

I’ve got an urge! Have you ever had this kind of itching, like a tickle underneath your skin, on your back for instance, but when you want to scratch it, you don’t know where it is? I have an itching like that. In my brain!

I suddenly became aware of this itching in the car an early morning last week while driving to my office. And since the traffic was easy, I had some time to try to find the location of that little itch inside my head. Has it something to do with sex? Yes! Something kinky? Probably! Something to do with ropes? Definitely! And perhaps some whips and a needle to poke around? Sounds nice! And including a sexy male body? Bingo, that’s it! Or wait, I’m not picky; right now I could go with a female as well…

I found the location of the itch at the same time as I found out that it was impossible to scratch! This was around the time when I entered my office. The building was still empty and quiet, as I usually arrive early at work. Still some time to reflect while checking my e-mail. I spent a moment imagining wrapping a soft rope around a female body. My feelings about it wouldn’t be as intense as with a male, nothing like that ecstatic kind of passion. It would be calm, quiet, almost relaxing; my mind would focus on technique and search for new creative ways to use the ropes. The good thing is that I do have a few girl-friends who are into bondage. Have to check if they’re available. And before I got absorbed by the work, my mind sent a warm thanks to my lovely female friends for being both kinky and rather uncomplicated.

There is a difference between men and women when it comes to bondage, at least according to my own experience. I’m sure that there’s no absolute truth about this, but women tends to accept the ropes quicker and easier. As soon as the ropes are on, men start to test out their boundaries. They check if the rope is tight enough, whether they can move around or untie the knots. I really like to watch the way they move themselves around, testing if I’ve done the work properly. And I can see it in their face when they reach the conclusion that the rope won’t come off. It’s a priceless moment.

Women in bondage often go completely blank. They become quiet and passive, and even if the rope is too loose, so they can manage to wriggle out of it, they still don’t move. I suppose there will be more reactions to play with if you add some pain into it, but so far I’ve never done that to any female yet. Maybe it’s prejudice, it’s not nice to be cruel to girls… I think I would prefer to leave it to my husband. But it seems like he’s not as sadistic as I am, at least not when it comes to physical pain.

There it is again, the urge. Pain. Passion. I want his arms behind his back, wrap the rope around his wrists, tight, but not so tight that the blood-circulation stops. I want to press my nails into his skin so hard that they almost rip the soft surface. I want to listen to his breathing, hear him moan, feel him wriggle and struggle against the ropes as the pain gets worse. I want him to know that there’s nothing he can do about it, except ask me to stop it. But he won’t do that, because he knows it turns me on, and so he will accept the pain and give himself to me, exactly like the present I wanted for Christmas. And then it would be this priceless moment of realization and surrender once again.

Oh, why can’t this be wrapped up and put under a Christmas Tree?