My dear love

I’m convinced that you are ready to do your best in keeping med pleased and satisfied during the time we’re together, and I also feel lucky and grateful to have a sexy and handsome man like you at my disposal. I really look forward to get my hands on you!

I’ve chosen you because I feel attracted to you, and because I trust you to have the capacity to please me. What’s more important: I also trust you to tell me what you’re not willing to do. It’s urgent that you understand this, as I don’t do role-play or some other kind of games. If you ask me to stop, I will stop. If I should continue despite your protest, it would be to perform violence, both legal and moral. And the thought of me doing that, it doesn’t turn me on, really.

No, I can’t control that you don’t cheat. To control that you’re not cheating, that’s not what I intended to spend my energy on. This is exactly what I was referring to when I said that I trust you! The responsibility to distinguish between taking care of yourself and cheating, is all yours. I know that you’re aware that cheating will only ruin the fun, for both of us. It’s urgent that we completely agree on this term. When you reach your limit, I also expect you to communicate this in a proper way, since I know that your communication-skills are well developed. As long as you mange to do so, you’ll never lose my trust, no matter what you ask for.

Since communication is crucial, be sure that I will always provide a way for you to make a signal, even if you’re tied up and gagged. If I’m in doubt, I will consult you about my plans. And if I can’t read your body-reactions, I will ask you for guidance.

To me, it’s not the goal that’s important. It’s the path leading there.

Right time, right place

Have you ever met somebody in a non-kinky setting, and got convinced that he/she has to be kinky? There’s no logical reason why you should think so, but still you’re convinced that you share sexual preferences. These subtle vibes make life interesting and exciting. And the subtlety can often be more interesting than verifying the facts, the curiosity, the flirting, and the strange relation that suddenly occurs, like sharing a secret connection.

It happened to me at a party not so long ago. My husband had sent with me a package of condoms, and told me to have a good time, and I was trying my best to fulfil his wish as the loyal wife I am. No reason to be nice and prudent. I was free to hunt and in the mood. So I met this handsome young man at the dance floor, just caught his gaze, his very blue eyes, and the next moment we were dancing. He smelt nice. And he felt nice. He had a strong, firm body, just the kind I like to get my hands on. After a while it was obvious that he also liked my body, and after a while we kissed. He was a good kisser!

So far there was nothing unusual. So far he could be just another man having a crush on just another woman at a party on the dance-floor on a Saturday night. It happens all the time. Until I started kissing his neck. This was the point where I got these strange and yet familiar vibes. It was like his strong body somehow softened in my arms. And he was stretching his neck sideways, as offering more of it to me. And I got the urge to bite until I tasted his blood, but I managed to control myself and instead I just nibbled softly at the tender skin of his neck. This made him shiver like something cold went down his back, and he grabbed me a bit tighter, holding me like begging for mercy. I raised my hand and touched his neck, his cheek and his lips. I could stick my finger in his mouth. He sucked it gently with this lovely expression on his face – passion, but not too eager or desperate, some kind of polite submission. And I instantly got pictures in my head where he would be stretched out spread eagle on the big bed at my hotel-room. I felt hungry and excited, and all I wanted was using him for my complete satisfaction for the rest of the night.

It never happened, though. We couldn’t stay on the dance-floor all night, so we drifted apart after a while. Maybe it was all just my imagination. I didn’t even talk to the guy, other than the basic chitchat. Maybe it was all created by music, the rhythms at the dance-floor and of course the great amounts of alcohol. Yes, I think that the alcohol is most to be blamed, because when it was time to find a taxi and get back to the hotel-room, I was so exhausted I only wanted to sleep, and in such state sex tends to be just frustrating.

But I’m still quite sure that what I observed out there at the dance-floor was the real thing. I’m sure that if I had caught him at the end of the party and brought him with me to my hotel-room, he would be just like the sexy, passionate submissive men I love to play with! The question I keep asking myself is whether he consciously regards himself a sub, or did he just unconsciously follow my lead because it seemed nice and exciting at the moment? I tend to believe that he’s in the last category.

And that’s why I’ve decided not to contact him again, although I have his e-mail. (The invitation went out on an e-mail with copy to all the invited guests). I won’t contact him, because I can’t possibly remake the scene that created the magic. And some things have to happen spontaneously, and can’t be planned. It’s a bit sad, it’s a bit frustrating. But since it happened once, I believe it will happen again. And the memories about what could be can be just as exciting as the memories about what actually happened.

I live on this inspiration, knowing my time will come…

This isn’t really me

“Hey, are you dominant? I’m not really a sub, but I’m curious about dominant women. I don’t usually do this, but… I don’t think I can be a submissive all the time, but I want to try it once.”

It’s funny how people feel an urge to assure you that they’re not really what they seem to be, without reflecting even once that I might not really be what I seem to be either. Because I’m dominant, my profile says so. And everyone knows what dominants are like, just like everyone knows what gays, lesbians, Muslims, politicians and taxi-drivers are like. The world is full of stereotypes, but of course we all think that I’m different! And I’m no exception.

I know that I’m not a “typical” domme. I know that because I rather wear Armani Jeans instead of leather or latex. And in my office, there’s no sub under my desk, licking my feet. (And God knows, neither do I want any! Sex@work is not in my dreams). I don’t feel the urge to prove how dominant, strong-willed or powerful I am in every situation. I know I’m not perfect, I make mistakes, and I know when and how to apologize. But of course, you don’t see this if you don’t get to know me.

Although I’m aware of my own nuances, I know I’m not immune against a stereotypical view myself. So when I observe this “This-is-not-really-me-approach”, I see an insecure person, who wants the goodies without taking any responsibility. I see someone curious, but still ashamed. And the worst thing is that they seem to expect my life to be so different from their own, full of whips, cuffs, ropes, pain & pleasure. They seem to think that I’m such a freak.

I don’t mean to say that you have to be so goddamn sure about everything. But why do you have to make excuses for yourself? It’s really not a compliment to me when your first message starts with some kind of an excuse. It’s like I’m some kind of low-life that you don’t want to be seen with in public.

“This isn’t really me, but…” You know the guys at work who sneak up on you, clearly displeased and in a bad mood, and they go: “I don’t mean to complain, but…” And there they go, complaining about everything from the Second World War to the bad coffee at the cafeteria. Why do people feel the urge to tell you what they aren’t, and then go straight ahead and prove that – yes – this is exactly what they are! Do they really fail to see this huge contradiction? And that action speaks louder than words?

So next time, why don’t you try something like: “Hey Fatality, I read your profile and you look like a clever and interesting person! (Yes, flattery is never wasted on me). I’m curious about BDSM. Maybe if we get to know each other, you might tell me more – or even show me – if we’re good together?”

You don’t see the difference? Maybe it’s about that what’s inside you when you write. Don’t excuse yourself, don’t explain too much – like in real life you’re really a dominant, and usually in most situations you like being in control, but once in a while, you feel like being dominated, but you’re not a sub, at least not 24/7… Yawn! Please don’t make it complicated. Just… ask… If you ask me politely, I will answer you just as polite, although I can’t guarantee that you get the answer you wish for.

And bear in mind that although two people share the interest in whips and ropes, it’s not given that they automatically fit together. I’m sorry to disappoint you, but life isn’t that easy!

Review: “Feuchtgebiete” (Wetlands) by Charlotte Roche

This story is told by Helen Memel, an 18 years old schoolgirl as she lies in the hospital after an accident caused by a careless intimate shaving. She starts her story like this:

“As far back as I can remember, I’ve had hemorrhoids“.

And then, straight ahead, she gives a very detailed description of the state of her own ass:

“My hemorrhoids look quite special. Dr. Fiddel calls it  cauliflower [...] If someone loves me or is sexual attracted by me, such a cauliflower shouldn’t matter. Thus I’ve already had successful anal sex, despite the cauliflower, for a few years now, from I was 15 years old. By successful I mean that I’m able to cum, even if the dick is only in my ass and nothing else is touched. Yes, I’m proud of that.“

(I read this book in German, and this one really helped to improve my vocabulary on certain topics. I especially love the German word for anal sex: Analverkehr. Literally this means “anal traffic”. Oh, those kinky Germans!)

Helen also reflects on other topics in the same direct, shocking and provocative way: Intimate hygiene, masturbation, sex, body fluids, her period, her not-so-common use of tampons, etc etc.

My first impression of Helen is that she is just a typical teenager, wanting to challenge and provoke while she also seeks acceptance. This is me! Take it or leave it! She might appear quite self-confident, but like most teenagers she is also vulnerable and insecure. At first this is almost invisible. But through the book, the reader gets to know her better and her personality appears more complex. Little by little we get aware of her worries about her family, and that her parents’ divorce is still bothering her. And there’s yet another trauma, that will probably haunt her for years to come, although we only follow her for a few days at the hospital.

If you keep in mind that the narrator is meant to be 18 years old, I think the book is quite realistic. The story is not that of a refined author, which is exactly why the book is so convincing.

I can recommend this book to anyone not too prudish. In fact this one shocked even me once or twice!

PS: The quotations are my own translation from German to English.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feuchtgebiete

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charlotte_Roche

My BDSM

- What do you think about BDSM?

- How do you like to do it?

- What do you want from a sub?

This is not how I prefer to start a conversation. It’s easy to do a little bit of research, just read my profile or my blog. Then it’s quite clear that I’m into BDSM.  Of course I enjoy BDSM! I think I enjoy it the same way all people (more or less) enjoy sexy in general.

(Well, I know that some people maintain that there’s a difference between BDSM and sex. A man invited me once: «We can have BDSM, but no sex!» All right, so I’m allowed to beat you, but not to be turned on? Or it’s okay if I get horny as long as I don’t fuck you? No offence, but to me that whole concept sounds like a huge contradiction.).

BDSM turns me on, and therefore to me BDSM means a sexual relation. It would be nice if these facts just could be silently presumed, at least at the beginning of a conversation. Asking too early will be like asking any random person: «Do you like sex? » And: «How do you like to do it? Can I have you on top? » Please, if you have some class, at least introduce yourself first. And by introduction I don’t mean an announcement of your measurements or the fact that you’re (almost) desperate to find a dominant woman to serve… I’m sorry, not to be difficult, but I want a little bit more than that! A sub with a personality – is that too much to ask? You’re doing us both a favor by being a bit selective.

My motto is “Less talking, more doing”, which often can lead to the misconception that I’m trying to avoid talking about certain topics. That is not my intention, it’s not like a taboo that shouldn’t be mentioned or talked about. These are after all the questions we both want to discuss. If not, we wouldn’t be registered on those kinky web-sites or read those same kinds of blogs. But I much prefer the subtler approach. Ask me questions, but don’t interrogate me.  Please tell me about yourself, so I can get an impression of you, but don’t spill your guts about every dirty little detail.

Okay, back to topic. This wasn’t meant to be a post about how to engage in a kinky conversation. It was meant to be a post about what I like. Or how I like it.

Why do I often find these questions so hard to answer? Why couldn’t just both parts write a list, and then we could compare the matches? It would’ve been easy! If you Google «BDSM check-list» you’ll find a very long list with all elements any BDSM or sexual relationship may contain. Then each party can rate each item, what they like to do, what they want to do, and where the hard limits are. The first time I saw one, I thought it was the biggest bullshit ever. To me it seemed like placing an order at a restaurant: «I want a medium spanking, paddle, no whips. Light pain, no bruises. Bondage with leather cuffs. Sex is okay, but no anal penetration, please». And then I would go: «Sorry, today we just offer whips, and heavy bruises. And anal sex is mandatory».

Sorry guys, I’m not to be written down on a list or a menu. I’m a woman. I’m complicated! Still I will try to keep it simple. Let me explain to you exactly what makes it so complicated, when someone ask me for instance: «What do you like to do with your sub?»

Immediately memories starts flashing in my head: Hands tied together with a cotton rope. Tight, but still loose enough to allow plenty of blood circulation. The feeling of his skin beneath my fingers, his muscles under his skin as he moves, wriggle, to test the ropes that hold him in place. The sound of his breath, like small sighs, first from the muscular strain as he tries to get away, then from his rising excitement. Add some pain to taste if you want more wriggle and more noise. It’s like adjusting the volume on a stereo, louder and louder, until it fills the whole room. At some point I will start noticing my own reactions. My stomach will tickle, like there’s butterflies inside. I will enjoy my power and devour him at the same time. And my goal will be to give him everything I have, and to take from him everything I can.

Watch this picture for a moment, let’s see what we have. Bondage! Check! SM, (sadism/masochism, depends on which point of view you choose). Check! A handsome, well-trained male! Check! And… what more? Look again. Look for the things that you can’t put your finger on! His reactions. My reactions. I react on his movements, his sounds. This interaction, this energy created partly by me, partly by him, that’s what turns me on!

If this is made by whips, rope, rubber gloves, uniforms, strap-ons, anal penetration… it doesn’t matter as long as I get the right vibes. As long as I sense the feeling of his surrender, and a corresponding feeling of me being in control, I wouldn’t need any other tools at all. But of course, bondage and pain are efficient tools to get the right atmosphere.

So, is it really that complicated? I don’t believe it is. Maybe it’s the opposite; so simple and obvious that it kills the excitement? But I certainly hope you don’t think so!

What does a Queen need?

I posted this question on Twitter: “If I’m a Queen in this world of BDSM, what do I need? A slave? Or a King?” I would like to thank you all for good suggestions. Of course I liked the point of view that I deserve to have them both. But I also know that this is not given. One other suggestion I got was to look for a Knight, which would be a bit like the two-in-one, which again appealed to my taoistic/buddhistic approach towards life in general.

I think there is no correct answer to my question. And of course the answer will also depend on how my question is interpreted. But in my case, what I found didn’t fit into the terms of what I was looking for at all.

What I was looking for back then, was a submissive life-partner. My vision was some kind of 24/7 relationship where we would be equal in all aspects except on the sexual arena. Already then I realized that a relationship like that would be hard to carry out in an everyday life with both me and my potential sub having obligations at work and towards family and friends. When I read the blogs of those of you who manage to carry out a lifestyle like that, I’m impressed by your devotion. Back then I would even have been a bit envious. But why should I be envious now when I actually feel happy with my life as it is? Nevertheless life has many ways, and I’m sometimes curious about the paths that I could have chosen, but didn’t. Or maybe I didn’t choose, it just happened, by coincidence, or fate if you believe in that kind of stuff.

Pubocyno was not the submissive life partner I was searching for. Considering the fact that we are both dominants, it was a big surprise for the both of us that there were both attraction and affection between us. (When I look back on it, it maybe isn’t that surprising since we realized from the start that we had much in common and we also share the basic values in life. And it’s always easier to fall in love when you not try to or not expect it to happen. This is plain psychology. But of course, when you want something and know it, it’s hard not to make any wishes about it).

So when we met, we both knew that we looked for everything else but one another. There were no expectations apart from having a nice chat and a good time together. We thought we were just friends.

When it was clear that Pubocyno and I were more than “just friends”, I could of course try to apply the techniques Kate describes in her blog, about how she managed to turn a quite normal man into a sub. As far as I know both Pubocyno and myself, I think such a project would be a failure. I don’t mean to say that it will always fail, not at all. But Pubocyno often says about me, that if he could have made me a submissive, I would no longer be the woman he fell in love with. And it’s the same for me. If each of us would try to turn the other, we both have the impression that it will ruin our relationship. It would create a disturbance in the Force, if you like.

So that means that we are bound to live very much like all other normal couples, as far as there is anything that can be called a “normal” relationship. What’s important is that we are not the perfect people we all like to pretend to be. On good days we are like the King & Queen in perfect harmony with life and each other. But there life isn’t always perfect. There are bad days when we’re down, but able to support each other. And there are bad days when we just get on each other’s nerves, when I think Pubocyno is the most stubborn and stupid person I know. And that’s probably when he also thinks that I’m a just a big cow.

I sometimes get the impression that some people are attracted to BDSM because it provides a structure to their lives and to their relationships. The dom is guaranteed to have the last words and the sub will submit or obey. Or else the relationship will end. It’s an easy way to avoid confrontations and quarrels. Maybe that structure was also attracting me at some point, as I like to be in control and in charge, although I also recognize the responsibility.

But let’s be honest – real life isn’t like that! In most situations authority is made by agreement, at least in our society. (I will write more about this later).  And so is our relationship. Sometimes it’s easy and sometimes it’s a real challenge. It happens that our conversations gets really loud, as we both have a strong will and none of us like to compromise (surprise surprise!)

It might sound a bit strange, but during the years of our marriage, I’ve come to appreciate these confrontations. Not because I find it amusing. But I realize that if Pubocyno ever stops giving me feed-back, how annoying and frustrating it will be, I will lose an important opportunity to correct myself and develop my personality.

So, how does this fit in with being a dominant woman? I really don’t know. This wasn’t how I planned it at all. But I could not wish for it to be different. I’m happy with my life.

Back from holiday

I’m one of those rare people who often wakes up in the morning and actually (it’s a bit embarrassing) look forward to go to work! In addition to that, I also get holidays. Can life be any better?

At the beginning of my holiday, I spent one week on a Martial Art summer camp in Germany. I’ve done Martial Art since I was 13 years old, and at a certain stage it probably became a lifestyle or a part of my personality. (It can be a bit disturbing, but sometimes I find myself contemplate on how to break an arm or dislocate a shoulder. But thinking about it, will not necessarily mean doing it. This is an approach that can also be applied on BDSM, for my part). Anyway, for some time past I’ve not practiced as much as I’d like to. In fact I’ve done next to nothing Martial Art the last two years. I went to the camp to meet old friends and have a good time.  Not able to remember any but the most basic techniques, I realized that maybe it was time to quit and that this would the last year I would call myself a Martial Artist.

But then, on day two, it suddenly came back! My body started to act without my brain thinking. I did things I no longer thought I could do. And along with that, came also the happiness and satisfaction being able to do these things, (which was the reason why I’ve become addicted to Martial Arts in the first place). What the mind can forget, the body can still remember.  It was a weird experience. In fact it was pretty similar to the experience I had when I sort of rediscovered BDSM, which I maybe will write more about another time.

After the Summer Camp, my husband picked me up and we went on with our holiday. Our air conditioner in the car broke down in France, so we had the hottest ride down to the Mediterranean ever! It was possible to make tea from our drinking water…

To those of you who imagined me on holiday plotting about ways to torture any potential submissive, I have to disappoint you. BDSM disappeared in the back of my head together with my work, being something that exists in my life, something that I appreciate, but it didn’t have my immediate attention. Instead I found new energy and inspiration on another part of my life!

And oh, it’s good to be home!

What’s the purpose?

I was a bit in doubt when I started writing my first post. My immediate inspiration was Kate Webb’s blog, the Femdom Alternative. (I want to write a review of her blog later on). But the question still appears in my mind: What’s the purpose? Why is it so important for me to point out who I am, what I am and (just as important) what I’m not.

I don’t think I’m an especially important person. I’m not even famous (thank God!) Certainly, sometimes at work, I can get the feeling that I’m the center of everything, when it all happens fast, and decisions have to be made… But really, if I should disappear, they will find someone to replace me although I know they will miss me for a while. Maybe a depressing thought. Or maybe it’s freedom to know that after all, work is not that important. And it’s not like I’m a surgeon or something. No-one will die if I do something wrong at my job. All I do at work, is to spend money. Lots of money, true… but it’s still just money. (Fatality, the great capitalist…)

I drifted off-topic again, didn’t I? I’m usually more focused than this, but it’s Summertime, and 3.900.000 of Norway’s 4.000.000 inhabitants are on holiday. My office is very quiet right now.

Well, I think I’ve established that this blog is not made because I think I have important information to share with you. In my opinion it’s possible to live perfectly happy without knowing about all the nuances within BDSM and femdom, or without knowing anything about these topics at all. (How to make money, perform CPR or have a happy marriage, now that is important information!) So maybe instead this is the effect of pure egocentricity or an act of narcissism? It’s hard to know, even for me…

But I do know this: When I find people with whom I can share my ideas and visions,  if I can give something and receive something in the same process, it’s just wonderful. And then “why” isn’t an important question anymore.

Nevertheless, all of you who left supportive comments on my first post, and the page where I introduced myself, you helped me answering the question why. Thank you!

Now it’s holiday, and we’re going abroad. I’ll be back in August with more posts. In the meantime I’ll tweet.

How it all started

I think I was born kinky. Already when I was 7-8 years old, I had fantasies about the boys in my class. In my fantasies I tied them to a tree, and I would whip them or torture them, they would scream out in pain and beg me for mercy. I would make them feel helpless and vulnerable. And it would be clear to them that I was the one in control. I was the one to decide whether to keep punishing them or to show mercy.

These fantasies should maybe have been quite disturbing to a child, but the line between fantasy and reality was always clear to me. Maybe thanks to my parents. Before I started school, I grew up on the Norwegian countryside, far away from other children, and I often had to play alone. My mother told me that inside my head I could be whatever I wanted to be. It gave me visions that I still find useful in sexual relations (which I of course don’t discuss with Mum :- ), at work and other projects.

When I was a teenager, I started to make some of my fantasies into real life together with my boyfriend. How lucky I was to get together with such an open-minded guy! At first it was easier to play the submissive part, simply because most men will be more confident that way.

It was first in my twenties I found out that I really liked being in control. At that time the feeling inside me was not visible at all. There were no bounds, no whips and no visible domination. There was only me, hunting men enjoying sex in the ways that gave me most pleasure.

It wasn’t before I got access to Internet that I could categorize the feelings and fantasies I had. At first I thought that this was a kind of freedom, to discover words that could describe what I was attracted to. And it was a lot easier to get in contact with other people who shared the same interest. Or so I thought. Later I experienced that together with this vocabulary, came all these expectations about what a “true” dominant should be like. There is so much talk about “fakes” and “wannabees”, and I was surprised that so much prejudice could exist within networks which claim to fight for individual freedom and sexual plurality. This “black & white”-approach to this complicated world of kinks, it became so annoying that I finally logged of internet and stayed offline for three years.

But before doing so, I manage to find a few people who shared my kind of inspiration and point of view. And many of my dreams and fantasies came into reality. Some of these people are still close friends. And one of them is my husband!

And now I’m back online, giving internet another try. I accept that not all people share my point of view, and that some would rather watch porn than to read about me and my thoughts. It’s okay, really – just surf on! What I don’t accept is when people treat me as if I were some kind of sexual playground, mistaking me for being like the pro-dommes they watch in the Femdom Porn-sites. I don’t really know why it ticks me off. Maybe it’s just that I need some more intellectual stimulation.